@Judas Said
I'll try to make this as short as possible, but forgive me if I get long winded. It's been awhile since I've actually "voiced" this.
Before I was born, my parents had a son. My brother, Matthew. He was, I guess, the epitome of the perfect son. Six feet, blonde, blue eyed, football quarter back, hockey defense.. You know those people that are just good at everything they do.
He died when he was seventeen in a drinking and driving accident. They (my parents) didn't handle it well. Who would, though? Losing a kid.
They don't talk about them before his accident, but from what I got from my uncle, they were happy. Sort of like that perfect family. But I guess it just wrecked them. They started drinking, which led to drugs, etc.
Then for whatever reason after, they decided to have a kid again. Maybe to try and turn their life around? I don't know. I think they wanted another Matthew. But, out comes me.
Matthew took after my father, I take after my mom. I'm not tall, big, blonde (I do have blue eyes, at least). I won't be a football or hockey star. Though he tried, of course. He gave up when he realised that despite my size, it'd never work because I didn't like it.
I always just felt like they were never really happy with me. Because I couldn't ever be Matthew, or they didn't wait long enough, or whatever.
But it made for a very stressful relationship between us. They never quit drinking. They mostly just smoke pot but I've seen them go on to indulge in others. Whatever, they're adult.
But the fights...Sometimes over the silliest little thing, like how I tie my shoes. Or fold the towels wrong. And they'll rant and rave and it always ends up with someone saying "Matthew wouldn't have.." or "Matthew would have..." etc. Usually I just shut up and let it ride out. Last year I threw out some stupid comment about me not being the perfect son like him and f*** him, and then the fists were flying and I was out the door.
I spent the next few months (seven-ish? It's a blur) just absoultey wrecking myself. Drinking, drugs, sex, fights, break ins, vandalism, car theft (Joy riding, I guess. I never wrecked any. Not that that's an excuse).. You name it, I did it. I was a good student - I got expelled after getting caught doing a rail off the bathroom sink. After numerous suspensions for fighting (I had a good teacher). Ended up with a real personal relationship with a few cops.
I got myself sorted out, mostly. I'm late in school this year, but I'm finishing this semester by correspondance. If I get it done in time, hopefully I get through grade 12, or most of it, this summer. I work in construction out in a dry camp hours from anything, so that helps. 24 days in, 5 days out. I usually stay because I don't know where to go.
Anyways, I disgress. They always made me feel that I should have mourned Matthew. Feel ashamed that I wasn't. I don't hate him - I never knew him. There were times, of course, where I thought I did because I was always being compared and always failing. But I never did hate him. But I never did mourn him. I know he was my brother, but to me it was like some tragedy you read in the newspaper. You feel bad for a second, shake your head at the nonsense, and move on. And it seemed like such a sin.
Am I wrong? Are they right? Should I have grief?