Should I feel guilty?

@Judas Said

I'll try to make this as short as possible, but forgive me if I get long winded. It's been awhile since I've actually "voiced" this.

Before I was born, my parents had a son. My brother, Matthew. He was, I guess, the epitome of the perfect son. Six feet, blonde, blue eyed, football quarter back, hockey defense.. You know those people that are just good at everything they do.
He died when he was seventeen in a drinking and driving accident. They (my parents) didn't handle it well. Who would, though? Losing a kid.

They don't talk about them before his accident, but from what I got from my uncle, they were happy. Sort of like that perfect family. But I guess it just wrecked them. They started drinking, which led to drugs, etc.
Then for whatever reason after, they decided to have a kid again. Maybe to try and turn their life around? I don't know. I think they wanted another Matthew. But, out comes me.

Matthew took after my father, I take after my mom. I'm not tall, big, blonde (I do have blue eyes, at least). I won't be a football or hockey star. Though he tried, of course. He gave up when he realised that despite my size, it'd never work because I didn't like it.
I always just felt like they were never really happy with me. Because I couldn't ever be Matthew, or they didn't wait long enough, or whatever.

But it made for a very stressful relationship between us. They never quit drinking. They mostly just smoke pot but I've seen them go on to indulge in others. Whatever, they're adult.
But the fights...Sometimes over the silliest little thing, like how I tie my shoes. Or fold the towels wrong. And they'll rant and rave and it always ends up with someone saying "Matthew wouldn't have.." or "Matthew would have..." etc. Usually I just shut up and let it ride out. Last year I threw out some stupid comment about me not being the perfect son like him and f*** him, and then the fists were flying and I was out the door.

I spent the next few months (seven-ish? It's a blur) just absoultey wrecking myself. Drinking, drugs, sex, fights, break ins, vandalism, car theft (Joy riding, I guess. I never wrecked any. Not that that's an excuse).. You name it, I did it. I was a good student - I got expelled after getting caught doing a rail off the bathroom sink. After numerous suspensions for fighting (I had a good teacher). Ended up with a real personal relationship with a few cops.

I got myself sorted out, mostly. I'm late in school this year, but I'm finishing this semester by correspondance. If I get it done in time, hopefully I get through grade 12, or most of it, this summer. I work in construction out in a dry camp hours from anything, so that helps. 24 days in, 5 days out. I usually stay because I don't know where to go.

Anyways, I disgress. They always made me feel that I should have mourned Matthew. Feel ashamed that I wasn't. I don't hate him - I never knew him. There were times, of course, where I thought I did because I was always being compared and always failing. But I never did hate him. But I never did mourn him. I know he was my brother, but to me it was like some tragedy you read in the newspaper. You feel bad for a second, shake your head at the nonsense, and move on. And it seemed like such a sin.

Am I wrong? Are they right? Should I have grief?

@sTreetAngeL Said

How old were you when your brother died?

@sTreetAngeL Said

Nevermind...just saw that this happened before you were born...

Your parents can't expect you to grieve someone you never knew; brother or not.
I feel badly too, that my dads dad passed away; but he died before I was born, so why actually grieve him?
It's selfish of your parents to expect this of you. And even if you could, why should they want you to? It wouldn't change anything, or bring him back?

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I wouod think they would invest all of their time and enegry in 'you'. And be grateful to have you, here, and 'now'. Because lets face it, you can be taken away from them in the blink of an eye. And then what?

@jr_sanford Said

Putting "should" (or shouldn't) with a "feeling" is like an irrational number. The only way it makes any sense is like this, "You should feel what you are really feeling."

Do an internal inventory of how you really feel. Lay back on a bed in a darken room and try to relax. Just doing that will tell you volumes on your emotional barometer. Sometimes we are in denial and try to convince ourselves (and others) that we ought to feel this way or that way to attempt to show everybody that were are in control. Hog wash! Just go with your genuine feelings. They will never steer you wrong.

J.R.

@breadeater Said

Its their problem, not yours. You can't miss someone you never really cared for, let alone known. They miss him, he died, and thats sad, but thats still no excuse for behaving like idiots and trying to resurrect him through you. They're wrong.

@Judas Said

We're always told what we should do. I like should. I've been taking orders my whole life, and I'm good at it. Even with helping others and cleaning up messes.
I'm not so good at reflecting with myself. It brings up too many things at once and I'm not sure how to deal with it (or what I'll do) so it's a box left closed for now.
Like a cop, right? You come to a murder, even if it's someone you knew, and you just do your job.

@jr_sanford Said

You CANNOT be told to "feel" a certain way. Oh sure, we can perhaps condition our minds trying to modify how we may feel about something, but our primal instincts are in place for a reason. Fear and Love are our two main guttural feeling. Sometimes those two go hand in hand .

It sounds as though you could use a close friend or perhaps a counselor to talk things over with. Holding onto suppressed feelings can and will work you over, and will ultimately affect your mental / physical health. Trust your feelings.

J.R.

@Dark_Tink Said

It's absurd that they have put the onus on you to grieve for your brother.

You can't be expected to grieve for someone that you never knew or met.

IMO, your parents were not yet ready to have another child. I don't think they had grieved enough themselves; if that is even possible after losing a child. They were very wrong for treating you they way they did for all those years.

Comparing you to your brother and wanting you to be like him was very wrong.

Now, the things you did after you left home, are no excuse for they way your parents treated you, but I can understand why you did them.

Give yourself some more time if needed before you talk to your parents. Get yourself sorted emotionally/mentally. Regardless of how your parents treat you form now on, know that it's not your fault. It's their issues they have to deal with.

@Judas Said

Whoever said life was unfair sure got it right, eh?

When I left... It wasn't pretty. I've had enough doors slammed in my face I'm not sure I really want to walk into one.
Would it be ignorant if I didn't call? If I waited for them, first? Or would that be up to me?