Do people change?

@kyahbean Said

You are more than welcome. I have a lot of experience with abuse, and abusive relationships. I've seen them happen, had many friends in them and have a few friends still in them, and have been in a few myself.

Whether we are talking about you or someone you know, I'm going to approach it as if it is you, because that's the easiest way for me. Tell me if that's not OK.

Having someone tell a person who is in an abusive relationship to just "get out because that's the right thing to do" is never very helpful. Obviously, no one should stay in a relationship like that, but it's easier said than done. Rationality is clouded by the love you feel for this person, and it's normal to keep trying to remember the good times and the honey moon times, and the times after the apologies. This makes it easier to stay.

You know in your heart you should leave a person who treats you unfairly or is abusive towards you. It's the reality of doing it that scares the crap out of people. I know from experience how terrifying that can be.

It's important to remember that you are a human being, and that the way you are being treated is not your fault, and that no one in life should be treated that way. If you want to build up strength to leave him, you need to get a support network. Abusive people tend to isolate their victims, and make them feel as if they have no one else, because this makes it easier for them to exert their control.

If you feel that this person can change, and has shown signs of wanting to change, you need to think long and hard about whether it is worth giving your life and love into that venture. There is a very high chance that it won't work out, and you will end up old and miserable, having wasted the best years of your life and youth on someone who just will never respect you the way you deserve.

@lilbear Said

Looking back through what I've been through on this topic, I would have left if I could and never gone back.....

It's a world of it's own and everyone is not thinking right. So my honest advice is "Don't go back". I haven't seen one abuser change for me ever....

@xnuvax Said

Very nicely put, are you a psychologist?

@readsalot Said

Yes I am, and I've been there, done that. I put this in a journal awhile ago, several women responded. I dug it up for you.
https://www.theforumsite.com/users/readsalot/journal/51671

Listen to Lilbear, she makes great sense.

@Wayne8559 Said

Simple answer from me.. Yes people can change that is for sure... but they will never change unless they really want too... its no good him saying i love you i'll change i swear it ect... he has to show that hes changing.. actions DO speak louder than words...


But its very rarely somebody can just say i'm wrong i'll change the mind does not work like that... It might be best if you stay away and let him realise he has issues and that he NEEDS to change..

But i think it sounds like you need to change also.. if he is abusive to you ect and you take it and even now your still trying to convince yourself that he can change.. then your just be putting your self in the firing line again.. its easily said than done i know but maybe its time you walk away for good?

p.s sorry for my bad writing but as long as i know what i mean i'm happy 8)

@roxygemini Said

If she is out of the abusive situation then that is the change that she required in life.
As hard as it is to be heartbroken, she could only move forward postitively in life. It's so easy to see the good in people, and reflect on what was good in a relationship, when you are lonely or lost, after it is all over.
She has to give herself the strength to know that it wasn't a good situation to be in, and that she is better off out of it.
People can change, yes. But she shouldn't go back in the hope that he will, only when he does.
It takes time to change. It won't happen overnight, even if he wants it too. He would be kidding himself, if he thinks that change isn't work. If he has an abusive personality as is, it is only heightened through substance. Then he would have to make an entire lifestyle change, aswell as working on his personality while sober.
Tell her that as lonely as it is, she needs to know that she is worth more then any chains that his negativity can place on her. She needs to change that in herself. Find the pride and the strength to see what life is like independantly, and find joy from who you are. Not who you are with.

Sorry if that was long, but I really think that people as individuals need to know that abusive situations, and partners that find strength in bringing someone down, are not your only option in life. Just because someone has put it in your head, that you will never amount to anything better, or be loved by someone decent, doesn't mean that it won't happen. You need to seperate yourself from that, and heal from those wounds. Then you will find joy in yourself. And also down the road someone who is not abusive and negative, but will love you and hold you near and dear. Not ever wanting to make you frown or cry. Know that.

@roxygemini Said

If she is out of the abusive situation then that is the change that she required in life.
As hard as it is to be heartbroken, she could only move forward postitively in life. It's so easy to see the good in people, and reflect on what was good in a relationship, when you are lonely or lost, after it is all over.
She has to give herself the strength to know that it wasn't a good situation to be in, and that she is better off out of it.
People can change, yes. But she shouldn't go back in the hope that he will, only when he does.
It takes time to change. It won't happen overnight, even if he wants it too. He would be kidding himself, if he thinks that change isn't work. If he has an abusive personality as is, it is only heightened through substance. Then he would have to make an entire lifestyle change, aswell as working on his personality while sober.
Tell her that as lonely as it is, she needs to know that she is worth more then any chains that his negativity can place on her. She needs to change that in herself. Find the pride and the strength to see what life is like independantly, and find joy from who you are. Not who you are with.

Sorry if that was long, but I really think that people as individuals need to know that abusive situations, and partners that find strength in bringing someone down, are not your only option in life. Just because someone has put it in your head, that you will never amount to anything better, or be loved by someone decent, doesn't mean that it won't happen. You need to seperate yourself from that, and heal from those wounds. Then you will find joy in yourself. And also down the road someone who is not abusive and negative, but will love you and hold you near and dear. Not ever wanting to make you frown or cry. Know that.

@xnuvax Said

Hypothetically speaking, say a girl is in love with a guy, and they have been in a relationship for a while although currently broken up, and he was going to ask her to marry him, but he is physically and emotionally abusive, yet she loves him none-the-less, and she cannot get over him, even though his patterns of behaviour is traumatic for her...and torturous!! She (for some kind of reason) wants him back (his good side of course)...This "he" does tend to drink in massive amounts (nearly all the time) and smokes marijuana both of which cause him to be abusive...can he change? Everyone and everything screams out LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD AND FORGET HIM...but she is reluctant to let him go entirely...what should she do? Does anyone know of anyone who has actually changed?