Quickies

@rondetto Said

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner. A local politician and member of the congregation was to give a speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, screwed over his closest friends, and taken a lot of drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately started his speech.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession”.

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"Get a load of this." said a guy to hid friends. "Last night while I was out at the pub a burglar broke into our house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, three teeth knocked out and a pair of sore nuts. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk again."

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A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat moans, “Ohhh God... they got my girlfriend too!!!”

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Mum: "Having trouble with your computer, son?"
Son: "My PC says it can't see my printer."
Mum: "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."

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